Why Do We Compare Things? It’s a question that plagues us at brunch, in the gym, and increasingly, on social media. We compare our jobs, our relationships, our bodies, even our brunches. This constant comparison often leaves us feeling inadequate, envious, and ultimately, unhappy. But why do we do it? Is it an inherent human flaw, or is there a deeper purpose behind this seemingly self-destructive behavior?
The Inherent Need for Self-Evaluation
As humans, we’re wired to understand ourselves. This self-reflection is a defining characteristic of our species, driving us to seek meaning and purpose. To evaluate ourselves effectively, we need a benchmark, a point of reference. And since we’re surrounded by others who look and act like us, we naturally turn to them for comparison. This isn’t a new phenomenon. In 1954, social psychologist Leon Festinger developed the social comparison theory, arguing that we evaluate ourselves against others to reduce uncertainty and define ourselves. We look to others to answer the fundamental question: “Who am I?”
We’re more likely to compare ourselves to those we perceive as similar. We compare ourselves to colleagues at our level, not the CEO, just as we compare our running pace to fellow amateurs, not Olympic athletes. The smaller the perceived gap, the more compelling the comparison becomes. Interestingly, Festinger also noted that when we stop comparing ourselves to someone, it often leads to hostility or derogation, especially if the comparison was causing negative feelings. If comparing ourselves to the star athlete in our gym makes us feel bad, we might start criticizing their technique or personality to alleviate our discomfort.
Furthermore, the importance we place on a specific group amplifies the pressure to conform. We’re more likely to push ourselves in a high-end fitness class than during a solo jog because we perceive the group’s opinion as more significant. This highlights how social context shapes our comparisons and the intensity of our self-evaluation.
Self-Assessment vs. Self-Enhancement: The Two Sides of Comparison
Comparing ourselves serves two primary purposes: self-assessment and self-enhancement. Self-assessment involves comparing ourselves to gain accurate feedback and improve. For example, analyzing a colleague’s successful presentation to identify areas for improvement in our own presentations. This type of comparison is healthy and productive.
Self-enhancement, however, aims to boost our self-esteem by seeking validation through favorable comparisons. This is where things get tricky. This motivation can lead to distorted self-perception as we selectively focus on information that makes us look good and ignore feedback that highlights our weaknesses. Self-enhancement through comparison is a recipe for misery, leading to either inflated egos or crippling self-doubt.
Often, these two motivations intertwine, making it difficult to discern our true intentions. We might disguise self-enhancement as self-assessment, justifying unhealthy comparisons under the guise of “research” or “learning.” Even high achievers can fall into this trap, constantly measuring themselves against others and losing sight of genuine self-improvement.
The Role of Preexisting Beliefs: Self-Verification Theory
When we compare ourselves, we rarely approach it with a blank slate. We carry a lifetime of self-perceptions, beliefs about our abilities and worth, known as self-views. These self-views are deeply ingrained and shape how we interpret the world. According to self-verification theory, developed by William Swann, we seek out information that confirms these existing beliefs, even if they’re negative. We compare ourselves not to discover who we are, but to reinforce who we think we are. This explains why comparison can be so frustrating: we’re often seeking validation, not truth.
Navigating the Comparison Trap in the Age of Social Media
The rise of social media has exacerbated the comparison problem. We now compare ourselves to curated online personas, highlight reels that often bear little resemblance to reality. We’re comparing our behind-the-scenes to someone else’s carefully constructed facade. This distorted lens amplifies feelings of inadequacy and fuels the cycle of unhealthy comparison. It’s crucial to remember that social media portrays an idealized version of reality, not the full picture.
Finding Freedom from the Comparison Game
While we may never eliminate the instinct to compare, understanding its underlying motivations can empower us to make healthier choices. Ask yourself: Why am I comparing myself? Is it for self-assessment, self-enhancement, or self-verification? Recognizing your motives is the first step towards breaking free from the comparison trap. Focus on self-compassion, self-awareness, and genuine self-improvement, rather than seeking validation through external comparisons. The true measure of success lies not in how we stack up against others, but in our own growth and progress.
