Growing up as a twin brings a unique set of experiences, instantly placing you in a world where you are inherently To Be Compared. From the moment we realized we weren’t alone, sharing a world and a family with someone who looked remarkably like us, the concept of shared identity was thrust upon us. Everything, from rooms and toys to clothes and experiences, became “ours.” While the twin bond is undeniably special and comes with its own joys, it also casts a long shadow of comparison and competition that permeates almost every aspect of life.
It’s not just about the typical sibling squabbles or the shared living spaces. It’s about something much deeper: the constant feeling of being compared simply for existing alongside someone of the same age, with similar genetics, navigating life’s milestones in parallel. This inherent comparison is the baggage that every twin carries, influencing their sense of self and their interactions with the world.
Throughout our lives, my brother and I have been subjected to an endless stream of comparisons, designed, consciously or unconsciously, to differentiate us. School performance, athletic abilities, social popularity, personality traits, even inherent strengths and individual interests – everything was fair game for those seeking to draw lines and establish differences. From a young age, we understood that we were constantly to be compared against each other.
In the formative years of elementary and middle school, when our natural inclinations led us towards similar activities, the specter of competition loomed large. Taking a test, participating in sports – these weren’t just personal endeavors. They were instantly transformed into contests, with an unspoken (and sometimes spoken) need for a winner and a loser. This constant race for achievement is hardly conducive to building robust self-esteem. The feeling of always being compared created an environment where individual progress was often overshadowed by the perceived success or failure relative to the other.
While it’s true that competition can be a motivator, pushing twins to strive for excellence, the relentless comparisons often resulted in a see-saw of confidence. One twin’s success could inadvertently diminish the other’s self-belief. At times, it felt as though we were perpetually competing against an idealized, perhaps exaggerated, version of ourselves embodied by our twin. This pressure to differentiate and avoid direct comparisons even led us to consciously diverge in our interests, a subtle but significant consequence of constantly being compared.
As twins progress through life stages simultaneously, the opportunities for external comparisons amplify. Parents, peers, and even educators often fall into the trap of highlighting differences, sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly. The questions begin: “Why can’t you be more like your brother in this?” or “Why isn’t your brother as [insert positive trait] as you?” For a twin striving for individuality, these questions feel like a constant undermining of their personal identity, a crushing weight of expectation and being compared.
The questions, and therefore the implicit comparisons, are relentless and varied. “Who’s taller? Who’s older (even by minutes)? Who’s academically stronger? Who is the better athlete?” These are seemingly innocuous questions, yet they contribute to the overarching narrative of constant comparison. But these pale in comparison to the ultimate, and most damaging question: “Who is the better twin?”
The truth is, there is no “better” or “worse” twin. Such a comparison is not only futile but fundamentally flawed. We are, at our core, two distinct individuals, each with our own unique strengths, weaknesses, aspirations, and identities. Like anyone else, twins crave recognition as individuals, not as halves of a matched set to be compared.
When one twin excels in a particular area or displays a certain characteristic, it inadvertently sets a standard against which the other is measured, further perpetuating the cycle of comparison. Whether intentional or not, this dynamic is sibling rivalry amplified, a direct consequence of the world’s insistence on being compared.
It’s crucial to remember that twins are, first and foremost, two separate human beings who simply shared a womb. They are individuals on their own journeys, not reflections or extensions of each other, constantly to be compared and contrasted.
Being a fraternal twin offers a slight reprieve in this constant comparison game. Misidentification is less frequent, allowing for a stronger sense of individual identity in everyday interactions. This raises the question of how identical twins, often physical carbon copies, navigate the even more intense scrutiny and comparison they face. Just because individuals share a striking resemblance doesn’t equate to sameness in personality, abilities, or life paths. They too are individuals, not just subjects to be compared.
Ultimately, the plea from twins is simple: refrain from viewing us through the lens of constant comparison. See us as individuals, each navigating life’s complexities in our own way. Judge us not by how our sibling, however closely related, fares, but by our own merits and character. We are individuals striving for self-discovery, not halves of a whole to be compared for eternity.
