Have you ever felt ordinary? Lost in a sea of faces, talents, and achievements that seem to outshine your own? You’re not alone. Many of us, even when we experience success and contentment, grapple with a nagging feeling of being just… average. Imagine finding yourself in a dressing room, excited about a pair of vibrant pink palazzo pants, only to see someone next door effortlessly rocking the same style, but seemingly better. Suddenly, those pink pants, which initially sparked joy, feel… less. This feeling, this instant deflation, is the insidious trap of comparison, and it obscures the very thing that makes you uniquely valuable.
The Comparison Trap: When Pink Turns Pale
In her insightful work on “Onlyness,” Nilofer Merchant explores this very phenomenon. It’s not about the pink pants themselves – the fabric, the color, the potential to elevate your wardrobe – it’s about the shift in perception that occurs when we compare ourselves to others. Suddenly, our own experience is filtered through the lens of someone else’s, diminishing our own joy and self-worth.
This “comparison-itis,” as Merchant aptly terms it, is a pervasive condition. We measure our careers, our relationships, even our weekend activities against some external, often unattainable, standard. Are we getting promoted “on par”? Are our hobbies “interesting enough”? Are we, in essence, “special”? This constant measuring against others leads us to perceive ourselves as “ordinary,” a label that feels limiting and uninspired.
But what if “ordinary” is just a mirage created by the distorted reflection of comparison? What if your unique value isn’t about being extraordinary in a conventional sense, but about embracing the “Onlyness” that resides within you?
Beyond Reflection: Discovering Your ‘Onlyness’
Merchant challenges us to shift our focus from comparative reflection to contributive reality. Instead of seeing ourselves through the lens of others, we need to recognize what we uniquely bring to the world. This isn’t about arrogance or delusion; it’s about acknowledging the specific space only you occupy.
Think of the lyric “nothing compares to you.” It’s a powerful declaration of irreplaceable value, often associated with romantic love. But this sentiment can be extended to your own self-perception. Your “Onlyness” is that quality that truly makes nothing comparable to you in your own unique context. It’s not about being better than anyone else; it’s about being distinctly, authentically you.
This concept moves beyond simply being “someone” in a group to being “some one” – a specific individual with unique contributions. You don’t need to strive for “special” or “extraordinary” to be valuable. Your value arises from loving what you love, from contributing in ways that are authentic to your passions and strengths.
Lighting Your Own Fire: Moving Past ‘Not On Purpose’
Many of us operate on autopilot, following paths laid out by societal expectations or ingrained habits. We may not even realize we’re dimming our own light, shrinking to fit into pre-defined boxes. Like Rilke’s description of knowing only a corner of a room, we become comfortable in our limited self-perception, unaware of the vast potential within us.
The key is to discover what truly “lights you up.” What are you passionate about? What energizes you? What are you naturally drawn to contribute? This self-discovery is crucial because, as Merchant suggests, if you knew what truly fed you, you’d be “espousing” it – living it, sharing it, and contributing from that place of authentic passion.
Seeing Yourself: Exercises in Self-Discovery
To cultivate this self-awareness and break free from the comparison trap, Merchant proposes practical exercises to help you “do the work of noticing.”
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The 3×5 Index Card Exercise: Carry a 3×5 index card for a week and jot down observations about yourself. What are the consistent threads in your actions, thoughts, and feelings? This exercise encourages mindful self-reflection, helping you identify your inherent tendencies and strengths. Just as spending time in a garden reveals subtle details like butterflies and swaying grasses, focused self-observation unveils your inner landscape.
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StrengthsFinder Assessment: Tools like StrengthsFinder can provide a structured framework for identifying your dominant talents. Understanding your strengths, as highlighted by Colleen Boselli’s interpretation of Merchant’s strengths (legacy, change agent, writer, narrator, authenticity), can be incredibly validating and empowering. It provides concrete language to articulate your unique contributions.
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The Onlyness Canvas: This tool offers a visual framework to map your past experiences and future aspirations, helping you identify patterns and themes that reveal your “Onlyness.” By connecting your personal narrative with your desired impact, the canvas facilitates a deeper understanding of your unique trajectory and purpose.
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Seeking External Perspectives: Ask trusted friends what they see as distinct about you. Like the friend who sends out a birthday Google Doc seeking feedback, soliciting external perspectives can offer valuable insights into how your strengths and unique qualities are perceived by others. This exercise can help you recognize aspects of your “Onlyness” that you might overlook yourself.
From Competition to Contribution: Embracing Your Incomparable Self
We are naturally inclined to see ourselves in relation to others. While this can foster connection, it often leads to self-evaluation and comparison, hindering our ability to recognize our intrinsic value. The shift, therefore, lies in moving from a mindset of competition to one of contribution.
It’s not about being better, faster, or smarter – there will always be someone who seemingly excels in these areas. True fulfillment and impact come from embracing your existing completeness, from contributing from your unique vantage point. As Merchant concludes, “We don’t need to compete, but to contribute. We need only love what we love.”
So, ditch the comparison game. Let go of the need to be “special” in the conventional sense. Instead, seek and celebrate your “Onlyness.” Embrace the truth that “nothing compares to you” – not in a boastful way, but in a profound recognition of your irreplaceable value and unique contribution to the world. Just like those pink pants held inherent beauty and potential regardless of who else wore them, your worth is intrinsic and immeasurable, waiting to be fully embraced and expressed.
