Growing up, my mother, a wise woman, often advised me, “Never compare yourself to others; Comparing It only leads to vanity or bitterness.” It was sage advice, yet, like most profound truths, far easier to articulate than to live by.
Let’s be honest, most of us, in our human vulnerability, grapple with insecurities about our self-worth. We sometimes find ourselves succumbing to our ego’s craving for validation. This often drives us to look around, typically at those we perceive as our peers, seeking a benchmark to evaluate our own progress – in our careers, financial standing, social circles, relationships, and life in general. Psychologists have even formalized this tendency, naming it “Social Comparison Theory,” highlighting how deeply ingrained comparing it is in human behavior.
While the occasional comparison might offer a fleeting boost to a wavering self-esteem, or perhaps ignite a spark of motivation for self-improvement – pushing us to dedicate more effort at the gym or make smarter investment choices – it often backfires. More often than not, comparing it leaves us feeling inadequate, as if we consistently fall short of some unarticulated standard.
Not accomplished enough. Not attractive enough. Not disciplined enough. Not successful enough. Not smart enough. Not wealthy enough. Not worthy enough.
Not ____ enough (you fill in the blank!)
When you are constantly comparing yourself to others, you become trapped on a ‘comparison treadmill.’ The fundamental problem with this treadmill is its relentless, ever-increasing speed. No matter how intensely you exert yourself, how desperately you strive, it perpetually feels like you’re not doing enough. N-e-v-e-r.
The moment you stop comparing and competing, you win!
The hard truth is this: if your self-perception hinges on rating yourself relative to others, lasting contentment will remain elusive. There will perpetually be someone who appears to be excelling in some area, outperforming you on some metric. Always. This constant striving when comparing it becomes exhausting and ultimately pointless.
The profound irony lies in this: the instant you cease comparing it, is the very moment you achieve a true victory. Because as long as you equate success in life with outdoing or possessing more than others, these comparisons hold your happiness captive. Comparing yourself to others is a race you are fundamentally designed to lose!
This naturally leads to the crucial question: How can you dismount from this relentless ‘negative comparison’ treadmill and redirect your focus from self-criticism toward cultivating a better future? Here are some actionable suggestions to help you stop comparing it and start living more fully.
Get Off Your Own Back: Stop the Self-Criticism When Comparing It
You might believe you are unique in battling feelings of inadequacy, constantly falling short of expectations – especially your own. However, the reality is that many individuals have turned self-criticism into a habitual practice, fixating on perceived shortcomings rather than acknowledging their accomplishments. This self-berating cycle is often amplified when comparing it to the perceived successes of others.
Imagine the transformative impact of shifting your focus to what you have done well. Consider how much more effectively you could channel your energy if you weren’t constantly undermining yourself with negativity and self-blame. Instead of comparing it and focusing on deficiencies, try celebrating your strengths and progress.
Similarly, avoid self-recrimination when you catch yourself making comparisons. That only fuels the “I’m not enough” fire even higher! Instead, practice self-compassion. Acknowledge your own humanity, your inherent fallibility, and vulnerability. This self-acceptance has a wonderful side effect: it fosters greater empathy and forgiveness towards the imperfections of others.
Recognize Your Biases When Comparing It
Over many years spent at the beach, I made a recent, somewhat unsettling, observation about my own comparison habits. I realized I consistently compared my stomach (the part of my body I’ve struggled most to accept!) to those of other women beachgoers. The fact that I didn’t compare body parts I liked highlighted a common human bias. We tend to compare our weaknesses against others’ strengths; our internal realities with others’ carefully curated external presentations; what we haven’t achieved with what others have (often overlooking their head starts or advantages!); and what we lack with what other people possess! This selective comparing it skews our perception of reality.
Therefore, whenever you become aware of comparing it (and recognizing it is the crucial first step), take a moment to remind yourself of your inherent worth. You are enough, exactly as you are, even if you lack something you admire in those around you – be it business success, academic accolades, a dream home, a perfect physique, a vibrant social life, or high-achieving children. It’s highly probable that those very individuals are looking at aspects of your life, your skills, or your character with admiration, wishing they possessed them too! Seriously!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYODPJ12PCM
Avoid Your Triggers for Comparing It
A growing body of research indicates that social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram can trigger depression as individuals compare their lives to those of their ever-expanding online networks of ‘friends.’ However, just as we apply filters to enhance our posted photos, most of us selectively curate the reality we share online – showcasing the highlights and omitting the less-than-perfect moments. (Last week, I shared photos celebrating my 22nd wedding anniversary. Rest assured, not every day of those 22 years was idyllic, but that nuance was definitely not part of the celebratory post!) So, if scrolling through your social media feed consistently leaves you feeling inadequate and miserable about your own life when comparing it, do yourself an immense favor: log off. Better still, consider a social media sabbatical. It can be incredibly liberating to disconnect from these comparison-inducing environments.
Focus on Your Own Progress Instead of Comparing It
Research reveals that the happiest individuals aren’t necessarily those who make only positive comparisons with others. In fact, they are often those who avoid comparisons altogether! Instead, they channel their energy into self-improvement. Imagine the profound difference it would make if you redirected all the energy you currently expend on comparing it to actively bettering yourself. You are your own ultimate benchmark. Track your progress against your past self. Are you fitter than you used to be? Is your budgeting more effective than it used to be? Are you dedicating more time to activities you genuinely enjoy than you used to? Are you making tangible strides toward your personal goals? This internal focus shifts the emphasis from external validation to intrinsic growth, making comparing it irrelevant.
We all have our own fears to conquer, burdens to carry and paths to forge. So run your own race and let others run theirs. The rest will take care of itself.
Admit Your Envy When Comparing It
Emotions we suppress will ultimately control us. So, if you are wrestling with the “green-eyed monster” of envy, the most effective way to diminish its power is to acknowledge and articulate it. Admittedly, it might feel somewhat foolish to confess jealousy of someone else’s success, talents, or attributes. However, having the courage to voice it can be incredibly freeing. Openly acknowledging envy disrupts its hidden influence when comparing it.
Furthermore, by summoning the courage to confide in the person you actually envy, you can forge genuine connections in ways that harboring secret envy never allows. Direct communication can transform envy into admiration and even collaboration, moving beyond simply comparing it.
Often, after I’ve humbled myself and shared my envy with someone, they reciprocate by revealing the less glamorous “underbelly” of their apparent success. “I work out two hours a day,” disclosed the woman with the incredible physique during my recent Bali beach vacation after I complimented her on her fabulous appearance. Other times, they might express admiration for something about me (which, naturally, I often find difficult to accept). By embracing honesty with ourselves and openness with others, we become acutely aware of the futility of our comparisons and the unique gifts we each possess. This shift in perspective diminishes the urge for comparing it.
As I wrote in Brave, “We human beings are really ‘human becomings.’ Sometimes two steps forward, one step backward.” So, if you genuinely believed that you are more than enough precisely as you are in this moment, how might that liberate you to live more authentically, more creatively, and more bravely? This self-acceptance is the antithesis of constantly comparing it.
The fundamental truth is that we all have our own unique challenges to overcome, burdens to bear, gifts to share, and lessons to learn. Therefore, focus on running your own race, striving to do your absolute best with the resources and talents you possess. The rest, as they say, will naturally fall into place. Stop comparing it and start living it!
Promise!
If you found this article helpful and you haven’t yet got yourself a copy of my latest book Brave, then I hope you will. It’s now available as a hard copy, for e-reader AND as an audio book (narrated by me!) Learn more and find links to book retailers at www.TrainTheBrave.com
