It’s a familiar scenario for many: you’re catching up with friends, listening to their exciting news about career advancements and life achievements. A sense of happiness for them mixes with an almost automatic reflex – you begin comparing your own life to theirs. This act, honed through years of practice, starts innocently enough, dwelling on shared experiences. However, it can quickly escalate into a turbulent sea of comparisons, where you start focusing on what you lack in your own life relative to what others possess. Thoughts like “I should be further in my career,” “I should be doing more,” or “I should have achieved that” begin to surface. You’ve unknowingly sailed into the ‘Sea of Shoulds,’ a treacherous territory where self-esteem often shipwrecks.
The inherent danger in comparing ourselves to others lies in the fundamental unfairness of these comparisons. Each person is a unique tapestry of individual characteristics and life experiences, distinctly their own. Unless you have an identical twin who has mirrored your every step and thought from birth, it’s safe to say that comparing yourself directly to someone else is a futile endeavor. Our entire life journey, with its specific twists and turns, is what sets us apart. While we may share common ground, even pursuing the same career path, the routes that have led us to the present moment are vastly different. When we engage in Comparing Comparisons between ourselves and others, we essentially invalidate our own unique journey and wish for a past that never existed. While the pressure to measure up to others might occasionally spark motivation for change, it’s far more likely to breed feelings of inadequacy and diminished self-worth.
In these moments of self-doubt fueled by comparison, it’s crucial to remember a fundamental truth: our self-worth isn’t contingent on our actions or possessions. While admiring a colleague’s style or a friend’s successful career is perfectly normal, the line is crossed when admiration morphs into direct comparison with our own lives. This transition plunges us into a danger zone, often leaving us feeling inadequate and disheartened – a place no one wants to linger.
Some might argue for the upside of comparison, pointing to those moments where we feel better about ourselves by observing someone else’s struggles. However, this “benefit” is a double-edged sword. In such instances, we are still anchoring our self-worth to external factors – in this case, someone else’s perceived misfortune. But what happens when our own circumstances change? Or when the friend we were comparing ourselves to experiences a positive shift? Does our self-worth suddenly diminish or increase based on these external fluctuations?
So, what’s a more constructive approach? Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) offers a valuable perspective by advocating for complete detachment from self-rating. This means liberating ourselves from the habit of judging our worth based on our achievements or perceived shortcomings. Human beings are far too complex to be accurately assessed or defined by simple labels or comparisons. Similarly, it is an oversimplification, and ultimately damaging, to evaluate our self-worth by comparing comparisons with another equally complex individual. True self-acceptance lies in recognizing our intrinsic value, independent of external benchmarks and the ever-shifting sands of comparison.
