In a recent episode of Unlocking Us, Brené Brown, a renowned researcher and storyteller, delves into a phenomenon many of us are experiencing, especially in times of collective challenge: Comparative Suffering. She highlights the pervasive weariness and exhaustion we feel, and how this often leads us to minimize our own pain by comparing it to others. This article, inspired by Brown’s insightful podcast, expands on the concept of comparative suffering, exploring why it’s harmful and how we can move towards a more empathetic and validating approach to our own and others’ emotional experiences.
The Weariness is Real: Acknowledging Collective Exhaustion
Brown opens her podcast by acknowledging the overwhelming feeling of tiredness that seems to be universally present. She notes the emotional toll of ongoing crises, whether personal or global, and how we often push through on adrenaline. This initial surge of energy, however, is not sustainable.
“We have collectively hit weary… We are nearing an exhaustion that we need to talk about. I think it’s really important. There’s one thing you can count on from me, is to normalize when I think we need to normalize…” – Brené Brown
This normalization is crucial. Recognizing that feeling tired, overwhelmed, or emotionally drained is a valid response to sustained stress is the first step in addressing comparative suffering.
The Myth of the Finite Pie of Empathy: Why Ranking Pain is Detrimental
One of the core arguments Brown makes is against the idea that empathy is a limited resource. The concept of comparative suffering is rooted in this false belief – that by acknowledging our own pain, we somehow diminish the empathy available for those who seem to be suffering more.
“The entire myth of comparative suffering comes from the belief that empathy is finite. That empathy is like pizza. It has eight slices. So, when you practice empathy with someone or even yourself, there’s less to go around.” – Brené Brown
This “pizza of empathy” myth leads us to rank suffering, creating an internal hierarchy of who is “allowed” to feel pain. We tell ourselves:
- “I shouldn’t be sad about my canceled plans when others are losing their lives.”
- “My anxiety about work is trivial compared to those facing homelessness.”
- “Feeling overwhelmed by homeschooling is selfish when frontline workers are risking their lives.”
While perspective is important, this constant comparison and invalidation of our own emotions is damaging. It doesn’t make us more compassionate; instead, it silences our feelings and, paradoxically, can hinder our ability to empathize with others.
The Danger of Denied Emotions: How Comparative Suffering Fuels Shame
Brown emphasizes that emotions don’t simply disappear when we deem them “inappropriate” based on a suffering hierarchy. Instead, denied emotions fester and intensify, often bringing shame along for the ride.
“The emotions that you’re feeling, that we feel, when we deny them double down, they burrow, they fester, they metastasize. And not only do our feelings double down and grow, they invite shame over for the party.” – Brené Brown
We begin to feel ashamed for feeling sad, anxious, or frustrated because we perceive our suffering as less valid than others’. This shame further isolates us and prevents us from processing our emotions in a healthy way. It creates a vicious cycle of emotional suppression and self-criticism.
Empathy as an Antidote to Shame: Breaking Free from Comparison
The crucial insight Brown offers is that empathy is the antidote to shame. Unlike the myth of finite empathy, practicing empathy, both for ourselves and others, actually generates more empathy.
“When we practice empathy with ourselves and others, we create more empathy. Love, y’all, is the last thing we need to ration in this world.” – Brené Brown
When we allow ourselves to feel our emotions without judgment, we cultivate self-compassion. This self-compassion, in turn, expands our capacity for empathy towards others. By validating our own experiences, we become better equipped to validate the experiences of those around us.
“The surest way to ensure that you have a reserve of compassion and empathy for others is to attend to your own feelings.” – Brené Brown
This means giving ourselves permission to feel whatever we are feeling – sadness, anger, frustration, fear – without immediately comparing it to someone else’s pain. It means acknowledging that hurt is hurt, regardless of context or scale.
Moving Forward: Perspective, Validation, and Self-Compassion
While comparative suffering is detrimental, perspective is still valuable. It’s about finding a balance between acknowledging our own pain and recognizing the broader context of suffering in the world.
Brown suggests that complaining and expressing our hard emotions are healthy and necessary. It’s okay to feel disappointed about a minor inconvenience even while being aware of larger global issues. The key is to allow ourselves to feel, process those emotions with self-compassion, and then, from a place of emotional clarity, engage with the world with empathy and perspective.
Key takeaways to overcome comparative suffering:
- Validate your feelings: Acknowledge your emotions without judgment or comparison. Your pain is valid, simply because you are feeling it.
- Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend who is struggling.
- Reject the myth of finite empathy: Empathy is not a limited resource. Nurturing your own emotional well-being enhances your capacity for empathy towards others.
- Focus on perspective, not comparison: While it’s helpful to have perspective, avoid ranking your suffering against others. Instead, focus on understanding your emotions within your own experience.
- Encourage open emotional expression: Create spaces for yourself and others to express emotions freely and without fear of judgment or invalidation.
By shifting away from comparative suffering and towards self-compassion and empathy, we can foster a more supportive and emotionally healthy environment for ourselves and our communities. Remember, your pain matters, and acknowledging it is not only valid but essential for cultivating genuine empathy and resilience.
