Are You Comparing Yourself To Our Lord? This vexatious tendency to measure our worth against others, especially against divine standards, often leads to discontent. At COMPARE.EDU.VN, we address this struggle by providing insights and resources to help you understand your unique worth. Recognize your individual journey, embrace self-compassion, and discover how to find peace by focusing on personal growth.
1. The Natural Inclination to Compare
The inclination to compare is as natural as breathing, yet it can be incredibly vexatious. This reflexive action can often feel almost natural, leading us away from where God wants us to be. We know from Mosiah 3 that when we are left to our natural state, we struggle to yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit. This opposition to divine plans requires us to identify the problem and find ways to yield to the Spirit’s guidance.
Consider the scriptural narrative in Doctrine and Covenants 7, which adds important detail to the account in John 21. John expressed his heartfelt wish to have power over death, that he might live and bring souls unto Christ until Jesus comes again. Peter, on the other hand, desired that he might speedily come unto the Lord in His kingdom. A common misinterpretation is to assume a horizontal comparison between the two, suggesting that John’s desire was somehow superior.
1.1. The Divine Perspective
However, our perfect, loving God makes no horizontal comparisons. In Doctrine and Covenants 7:5, Jesus only compared John with John’s former self and Peter with former Peter. He only compares you with old you. This divine perspective encourages us to focus on our personal growth rather than measuring ourselves against others.
President Boyd K. Packer shared an insightful experience from his time as a mission president. He needed a new assistant and, after much prayer, appointed an elder who had overcome considerable challenges to become eligible for a mission. One of the zone leaders questioned the appointment, feeling overlooked.
1.2. Your Contest is With Yourself
President Packer wisely responded, “Your contest is not with him but with yourself.” This golden line highlights the importance of focusing on personal improvement rather than comparing ourselves to others. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland further emphasized that God doesn’t measure our talents or looks but cheers on every runner in the race against sin, not against each other.
These statements provide comfort and clarity, reminding us to focus on our individual journeys. But why is it so hard to remember these truths once we leave the safe confines of a devotional or the reassuring embraces of loved ones? Why is it still so hard to resist the urge to compare? And what can we do about it?
2. The Process of Becoming Aware
To combat the natural inclination to compare, we must first become aware of it. One aspect of mindfulness is paying attention to our tendency to compare. Be mindful of it, think about it, and sit with it. By drawing attention to this tendency, we can begin to understand its effects and find ways to mitigate its influence.
Mortality and modernity seem to be especially well designed to give us the customized curriculum (Elder Neal A. Maxwell’s wonderful phrase) that we need to confront our tendency to compare. And as we confront this, we sense that comparing can lead to all kinds of trouble. On the one hand, it can breed arrogance, conceit, disdain, and contempt. On the other hand, it can breed despair, hopelessness, and feelings of worthlessness and shame.
2.1. The Dangers of Comparison
Comparison is a pretty potent instrument for sin and misery. Chapter 6 of 3 Nephi presents a situation in which Satan’s success in getting those Saints to be puffed up in comparisons and in ranks and in distinctions meant that the church began to be broken up. No wonder that Alma said that he sinned in his wish to be an angel. He understood deeply that comparisons can keep us from playing the vital role that has been allotted unto us.
President Ezra Taft Benson’s classic discourse on pride is always worthy of a reread. President Benson said, “Pride is essentially competitive in nature.” He also quoted C. S. Lewis, who noted that pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the realization that making these comparisons is sinful. However, another way to look at this would be to see it as empowering. We can take Nephi’s approach and say, “Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin,” and “Why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul?” We can notice how false these comparisons most often are—that is, that they are often based on falsehoods and on faulty premises, both of others’ making and of our own making.
3. Acknowledging Too Many Variables
Korihor’s exchange with Alma rightfully gets a lot of attention in Church lessons and discourses. However, one of Korihor’s assertions does not get enough attention for just how demonstrably false it is. Korihor asserted that every man prospered according to his genius, and that every man conquered according to his strength. This assertion is simply not true, and when we are honest with ourselves, we know it is not true.
No one can legitimately say, in the ultimate sense, “I prospered because of my genius,” or “I conquered because of my strength.” In reality, so many variables are involved. Where we are born, when we are born, our race, our gender, the schools available to us, the education level of our parents, genetic markers like height and muscle mass, the timing of our application, and the pool of applicants for a program or a job—there are so many things that are out of our control.
3.1. Understanding External Factors
All of these factors impact the degree to which we even have the opportunity to prosper or conquer. There have been many geniuses who have not had equal opportunity to prosper and many strong men and women who have not had equal opportunity to conquer. And for that matter, what does prospering or conquering even definitively look like?
This does not mean that we simply acquiesce to biological determinism or circumstantial determinism, nor wallow in defeatism. Agency is a reality and an incomparable endowment. But can we see why comparisons just are not fair—to us or to others? There are too many variables involved. That is why degree of difficulty matters in Olympic diving—and in life, as Elder Maxwell would remind us.
All of this is to say that we should certainly be more compassionate with everyone because we do not know what burdens they are carrying or what life loads are weighing them down. And we should certainly be more humble when we succeed. Is it any wonder that King Benjamin asked, “Can ye say aught of yourselves? I answer you, Nay.”
3.2. Recognizing Privilege
We really must acknowledge that privilege is real. Prejudice is real. Injustice is real. Remember that Korihor was anti-Christ. The demonstrably false statement that we prosper according to our genius seems to be another way of denying that we need Christ—or that we need anyone. We need to be reminded that it is by grace we are saved. It is the gift of God, lest any of us should boast.
On the beautiful flip side, then, we can trust that the Lord’s grace is sufficient to ultimately right every injustice, to make up for every loss, and to make weak things become strong. When we come face to face with our weakness, Ether 12:27 is a good place to turn. We are reminded that the Lord gives unto men and women weakness that they may be humble. Not weaknesses but weakness. A shared, universal condition: mortality.
3.3. The Power of Grace
Mortality makes us humble—again and again and again. And I might submit that this tendency to compare is part of mortality and that it is universal—to lesser and greater degrees, of course. When we are humbled by that recognition, we can trust that through the Lord’s all-sufficient grace, weak things can become strong. And that is ultimately the only place we can turn, the only name by which salvation can come. I realize, again and again, that I cannot overcome this on my own. I realize, again and again, that I do not have to.
4. Embracing Childlike Humility
What Elder Ronald A. Rasband reminded religious educators three months ago is the same message that has been weighing on my heart: Jesus Christ Is the Answer. In this human dilemma, Jesus is the answer: His teachings, His example, and His power to effect a change of heart—a lasting, saving change of heart—in each of us.
When we find ourselves worried about how we measure up as we compare ourselves with everyone around us, and when we are worried about what others think of us, at least we are in good company. Jesus’s apostles struggled over this, even squabbled over this. When they asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” Jesus called a little child unto him and said whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
4.1. Becoming as a Little Child
One of the ways that King Benjamin recommended that we overcome our natural man or natural woman state is to become as a little child. Children often exhibit a natural joy in the success of others, unburdened by the need to compare. Recapturing this sense of childlike celebration for the good fortune of others can be transformative.
I have four wonderful children—Parley, Marshall, Truman, and Ashley—and I have learned so many lessons from them. An image that is as vivid in my mind today as it was when it happened a dozen years ago is a backyard game of catch with my two oldest boys, Parley and Marshall. Parley was five or six years old; Marshall was probably three. I would throw the football to each of them in turn. Parley was catching the football almost every time. Marshall, not so much.
I can see Marshall concentrating, watching the ball—and then missing it every time. No matter how I threw the ball, it seemed like it always hit him on the head as it went right through his hands, which were closing for the ball just one beat too early or too late. Luckily it was a really soft, inflatable football. But here is the thing I will never forget: Marshall cheered, jumped up and down, and squealed in delight every time Parley caught it. I can still hear his little voice yelling, “Good catch, Par!” or “That was great, Par!” And then he would miss the next throw that came to him. But somehow that did not dampen his enthusiasm for Parley’s success. Somehow he knew that his contest was not with Parley. He could have joy in Parley’s success. How do we recapture that sense of childlike celebration for the good fortune of others?
5. Thinking Less About Ourselves
I think we recapture that sense by thinking less about ourselves. That statement calls for so many qualifications. We all have to be on the lookout for the ways that a sincere desire for selflessness can, in some terrible situations, be manipulated into codependency or victimization. Please know that if we see this happening to others around us or to ourselves, we are never called to self-abnegation that harms our mental or physical or emotional well-being. Some of the best things we can do for ourselves or others is to stop abuse of this kind.
Remember that Jesus said that we must cut off hands or eyes that offend us, and the Joseph Smith Translation makes clear that this cutting off might include so-called friends and family and those we have trusted who are leading us down pernicious paths. These are situations that cannot be ignored.
5.1. The Right Kind of Selflessness
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf captured what the right kind of selflessness looks like, in the best sense:
When we see the world around us through the lens of the pure love of Christ, we begin to understand humility.
Some suppose that humility is about beating ourselves up. Humility does not mean convincing ourselves that we are worthless, meaningless, or of little value. Nor does it mean denying or withholding the talents God has given us. We don’t discover humility by thinking less of ourselves; we discover humility by thinking less about ourselves.
Here is how C. S. Lewis said this:
Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call “humble” nowadays: he will not be a . . . person . . . who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. . . . He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.
Doesn’t this description just fit with the image of the Son of God kneeling before weary and confused disciples and washing their feet? Isn’t this Jesus—while on the cross—assigning the duties of a son to John because of Jesus’s concern for His heartbroken mother? This is Jesus, choosing to be a guest at a publican’s house without worrying about the way that His reputation might be harmed in the eyes of murmurers. This is Jesus, immune to the criticisms of people who, if they had lived in today’s world, would be making their same sniping judgments in the comment sections of social media posts. This is Jesus, sincerely and wholeheartedly deflecting praise and glorifying His Father. And on and on and on.
5.2. Focusing on Others
Sister Susan W. Tanner related this in an October 2005 general conference talk:
I remember well the insecurities I felt as a teenager with a bad case of acne. I tried to care for my skin properly. My parents helped me get medical attention. For years I even went without eating chocolate and all the greasy fast foods around which teens often socialize, but with no obvious healing consequences. It was difficult for me at that time to fully appreciate this body which was giving me so much grief. But my good mother taught me a higher law. Over and over she said to me, “You must do everything you can to make your appearance pleasing, but the minute you walk out the door, forget yourself and start concentrating on others.”
That is it. In a beautiful nutshell, that is it. Think of all of the questions that bombard us on a daily basis: Did I get picked for a leadership position on my mission? Did I score more points than my rival in the basketball game? Did I get the highest score on the test in my class? Was I the one student from BYU who landed the internship? Did I play more flawlessly in my audition than did everyone else? Did my witty comment in Sunday School make more people laugh than my roommate’s comment did? If I glance over at the treadmill next to mine, will I find that I am running at a faster pace? And on and on and on. These constantly nipping questions are all about me, me, me. And it is exhausting.
Doesn’t it sound freeing and liberating to think less about ourselves? To not be thinking about ourselves at all? And to do that effortlessly, as naturally as breathing, because it is just who we are? As if the armor of God that we put on is coated in Teflon, so that none of this—not flattery, not worry about where we measure up, and not insecurities fueled by the lack of retweets—can even possibly stick to us?
6. The Power of Pure Love
Jesus is the answer: His teachings, His example, and especially His power to effect this change in our hearts. I am so thankful for Moroni 7:48:
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.
When we pray with all the energy of heart and strive to be true followers of Jesus Christ, this pure love of Christ is bestowed on us. It fills us. This matters so much in this specific area of our strivings within because charity renders powerless this temptation to compare. That is because, when filled with charity that seeketh not her own, we are purified even as Jesus is pure.
6.1. Purifying Our Motives
President Benson wisely said about pride that it is in our motives for the things we do where the sin is manifest. When our motives are pure, when we act out of a pure heart, and when our only intent is to bless others, prideful comparisons are defanged. They have no bearing in our thinking. When we are filled with charity, we will be like the Savior. Why was being pure so natural for Him? Because, simply, He knew who He was and He knows you and He knows me. He truly knows us, truly sees who we are. That changes everything.
If we ask ourselves whether or not Jesus compared Himself to those around Him or took comfort in where He stood on the ladders of success and in who was beneath Him, the question becomes instantly ridiculous. We remember that this is the Savior who aims to make us—in the language of Doctrine and Covenants 88—equal with him! There is no jealousy, no competition. If the temptation to compare reared its head, He gave no heed to it. And we can be like Him.
7. Learning to Give No Heed
The truth is, we are going to walk out of this room and right back into the pressure cooker. Universities, the job market, social media, and even Church basketball are all set up systemically, almost intrinsically, to force comparisons upon us. But that does not mean that we have to give heed. We can play sports and feel the thrill of our muscles stretching and responding as we are learning new skills and putting into action things that we have practiced; our contest can be just with ourselves, and we can honestly celebrate the successes of others.
We can take our exams in school without worrying about how our grades compare to those of others. Instead, we can measure ourselves against only ourselves and feel the thrill of calling on new knowledge to solve new problems. We can play musical pieces, paint paintings, write stories, and join in the joy that these expressions of talents and hard work will bring to others.
7.1. Using Talents to Bless Others
Think of how Jesus freely used His talents and gifts to bless others, over and over and over. This is not about hiding under a bushel; this is about not worrying how brightly our light shines in comparison with the person right next to us. This is about having pure motives—being purified even as He is pure. After all, Jesus is the very light that we want to hold up. And do we ever need this light. Does the world ever need this light. Why? Because we come to realize that everyone, to some degree or another, feels these insecurities.
It is so vital that we reach to lift others because everyone feels the weight of this trying to pull them down. There is even a syndrome to describe this weight: impostor syndrome. It is this nagging sense that no matter what you have accomplished, sooner or later someone will discover that you simply are not good enough, that you do not belong, and that your qualifications really are a sham. In a world in which that weight drags on everyone, we need people who respond to President Benson’s call to conquer enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteem them as ourselves, and lift them as high or higher than we are.
8. Focusing on What Really Matters
This whole endeavor is rife with paradoxes, but, as Terryl L. Givens has so aptly put it, as disciples of Christ, we are a people of paradox. These very tensions can be so productive. The best way to remember that our contests are only with ourselves is to think less about ourselves. The best way to stop comparing ourselves with others is to think more of others. When we don’t find easy answers, it is my hope and my prayer that the Spirit will teach us of these peaceable things of the kingdom, even when they are hard for us to articulate.
There is no question that you and I are going to fail at many things we attempt to do, and in the eyes of those making comparisons, we all are repeatedly going to fall short. There is always a bigger fish, so to speak. You are going to get emails or voicemails or text messages—maybe even this very day—notifying you that someone else was hired for a job, that someone else was picked for the team, that someone is not interested in a second date, that someone else has been called as Relief Society president, and so on. But do not take that as a mark of your worth. Disappointments do sting, but they can also be wonderfully, albeit painfully, formative.
8.1. Remembering Eternal Values
All things really can work together for the good of them that love God. But do not let the temptation to compare give these disappointments destructive power. These comparisons are counterfeits; they do not—cannot—adequately measure what really matters. When disappointments hit, we take a deep breath; we remember what really matters.
President David O. McKay said about imagining our future interview with the Lord, that the focus of President McKay’s hypothetical interview was the quality of our relationships, with special attention on individuals in our immediate families. Pointedly, deliberately, President McKay stressed that the Lord will not ask about our professions, only our integrity. He will not ask for our résumé of Church callings, only our interest in ministering to others. These are the things that really matter.
C. S. Lewis once proposed, “We might think that God wanted simply obedience to a set of rules: whereas He really wants people of a particular sort.” I would submit that this includes becoming the sort of people who slough off the tendency to compare just like water off the proverbial duck’s back. Like Lehi in his dream, we pay no heed to those siren voices or those fingers of scorn. So, with all of this said, in our quest to become people of a particular sort, how do we evaluate how we are doing? Well, not by comparing!
8.2. Honest Self-Assessment
This is another of those paradoxes. If we are not careful, we might fall into the trap that is waiting for us just around the corner. Can’t you just hear yourself saying, “I am doing so well at this not-comparing thing. I bet I compare myself to others way less than my roommate does.” And here we go again. One thing we all need is something that Elder Maxwell recommended in another classic, must-read address titled “Notwithstanding My Weakness.” Here is one of his recommendations to help manage what he called these vexing feelings of inadequacy:
We can make quiet but more honest inventories of our strengths, since, in this connection, most of us are dishonest bookkeepers and need confirming outside auditors.
We can be those all-important outside auditors that others need. President Benson would say to us, just as he did in 1989:
We must be careful, as we seek to become more and more godlike, that we do not become discouraged and lose hope. Becoming Christlike is a lifetime pursuit and very often involves growth and change that is slow, almost imperceptible. We must not lose hope. The Lord is pleased with every effort, even the tiny, daily ones in which we strive to be more like Him.
9. The Path Forward
In tiny, daily ways, then, we practice. We purify our motives. We pray with all the energy of heart for the Lord to fill us with the love and grace that make our practice and our purifying efficacious—until this all feels as natural and as effortless as breathing, as the love between parents and children, and as the love between siblings or lifelong friends.
And lastly, we combat falsehood with truth: We see Korihor’s lie, and we raise it with a truth about the celestial kingdom, the kingdom in which we will see as we are seen, and know as we are known. Could we pray for clearer glimpses of that in the here and now? Could we pray more to see others that way? Could our prayers and our comparisons stay riveted on how we are becoming new creatures in Christ, on how far His grace has taken us and can yet take us from our old selves?
9.1. The Innocence of a Child
Here is one last story:
When I was 18, as I was preparing to serve a mission, my bishop called me to teach the Sunbeams. . . .
One day I invited Mike to come to church and sit in my class. Mike was my age but had stopped attending church completely by the time he was 12. We had remained friends over the years. . . . Once in a while Mike would accept my invitations to come to an activity. It always surprised me when he did, so I kept inviting him.
At that time, Mike had long, black hair and a beard. . . . I don’t remember when I invited him to my Primary class, but one day he showed up.
“Class, I would like to introduce you to my friend Mike,” is how I began my lesson. “He is visiting us today.”
Mike sat next to me in front. The children sat in a semicircle with their eyes fixed on him. They were much quieter than usual. I was about five or six minutes into the lesson when one little boy got up from his chair and walked across the room and stood directly in front of my friend. . . .
. . . The other children watched the two of them for a few minutes. . . .
Then it happened. . . .
With the innocence of a child, [the boy] said to Mike, “Are you Jesus?”
The look on Mike’s face was total surprise. It seemed, as I glanced at the children’s faces, they all had the same question on their minds.
Mike looked at me as if to say, Help, what do I say?
I stepped in. “No, this is not Jesus. This is His brother.”
Mike looked at me as if in shock.
Then without hesitation the boy . . . reached up and wrapped his arms around Mike’s neck. “I can tell,” the boy said as he hugged Mike.
My guess is that he was reminded of something that day that he had not thought about for a very, very long time.
So, I say this to you and I say this to me: Let’s all find a mirror. Let’s look at ourselves. Let’s see as we are seen. Let’s repeat, “My contest is not with anyone else; my contest is with myself. The race is against sin, not against each other.” Then we must pray with all the energy of heart to be filled with the pure love of Christ, of Him who is the author and finisher of our faith. We must refuse to let lies interrupt our rejoicings over the truths that are deeper and more convincing than the falsehoods of comparisons. And then we must walk out the door, forget ourselves, and start concentrating on others.
Are you struggling to compare yourself to others and need help making decisions? Visit COMPARE.EDU.VN for detailed, objective comparisons to help you make informed choices.
FAQ: Overcoming Comparison and Finding Self-Worth
1. How can I stop comparing myself to others on social media?
- Limit your time on social media, unfollow accounts that trigger negative comparisons, and focus on content that inspires and uplifts you. Remember that social media often presents an idealized version of reality.
2. What are some practical ways to focus on my own progress instead of comparing myself to others?
- Keep a journal to track your achievements, set personal goals, and celebrate your milestones. Practice gratitude for what you have and focus on continuous self-improvement.
3. How can I develop more self-compassion when I feel like I’m falling short?
- Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and that setbacks are a part of growth. Practice self-care and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
4. What role does gratitude play in overcoming comparison?
- Practicing gratitude shifts your focus from what you lack to what you have. It helps you appreciate your unique blessings and recognize the positive aspects of your life, reducing feelings of envy and inadequacy.
5. How can I identify and challenge the false beliefs that fuel my comparisons?
- Pay attention to the thoughts and beliefs that trigger comparisons. Ask yourself if these beliefs are based on facts or assumptions. Challenge negative thoughts by reframing them in a more positive and realistic light.
6. What does it mean to have pure motives, and how can that help me avoid prideful comparisons?
- Having pure motives means acting out of a genuine desire to bless and help others without seeking personal gain or recognition. When your intent is to serve, comparisons lose their power because your focus is on others’ well-being rather than your own status.
7. How can I teach my children to avoid comparisons and value their unique strengths?
- Encourage them to focus on their own efforts and progress, celebrate their individual talents, and teach them to appreciate the strengths of others without feeling inferior. Model self-compassion and gratitude in your own life.
8. What are some Bible verses or scriptures that can help me when I’m struggling with comparison?
- Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
- 2 Corinthians 10:12: “We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.”
- Moroni 7:48: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ.”
9. How can I seek divine help in overcoming the temptation to compare myself to others?
- Pray with sincerity and vulnerability, asking for guidance and strength to see yourself as God sees you. Study scriptures and seek inspiration from religious leaders. Trust in the Lord’s love and grace to help you overcome this challenge.
10. What are the long-term benefits of overcoming the comparison trap?
- Overcoming the comparison trap leads to greater self-acceptance, inner peace, stronger relationships, and a more fulfilling life. It frees you to pursue your passions and purpose without being held back by feelings of inadequacy or envy.
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